Hope and Loss

I havent blogged for a while, time seems to have leapt forward without me whilst I try to hold on to the past.

Why I try to hold onto the past I do not know as much of the past has been a series of non events and disappointments, but there have been moments when I have felt so utterly happy that I do not wish to ever let them go.

But let go I must, at least of one source of happiness.

My beloved companion Finlay Pusscat sadly lost his battle with an undiagnosed condition. For months I had been treating him for allergy based asthma, a constant round of steroid tablets and vet visits to monitor him. But in the last 3 months he suffered  a dramatic loss of weight, and lost his appetite completely. He had always loved his food and so this was a real change in him and so off to the vets we went. Following blood tests for thyroid conditions that returned negative they really didnt have a clue and so I took him for a second opinion to a more estalished vet in the town. Sadly they didnt have too much of an idea either, deciding to treat him for dehydration and trying to reestablish his feeding, to no avail.

In the last week of his life I fed him by hand, using a tiny syringe to try to at least get some nourishment to his frail body, each time he struggled but relented occassionally to swallow a mouthful here and there.

I cannot describe the sense of failure in my efforts, the sad look of resignation in his eyes, the matted fur around his mouth where I had clumsily tried to feed him but like a baby he had simply let it run from his lips down his once pristine white fur.

He could no longer even walk, struggling to make the distance between the corner of the lounge where he chose to hide himself away and the litter tray, only to find he could not manage to step into the tray and in utter despair simply fell to his knees.

I took the heartbreaking decision, but the kindest decision for Finlay, to have him put to sleep. I couldnt bear to see him suffer any longer, the call was made and I rang my Dad. I knew I couldnt do this alone and ultimately there is no one else I could ask in such a situation. The journey over to the vets was silent, nothing to be said.

I cant talk about the actual event, it brings me to tears at the thought of watching him slip away, the light going out in those beautiful eyes, the clinical manner in which the vet dealt with it, no sense of compassion, no second chances, just a cold table and a sterile smell.

We took him back to my parents, lifted his limp lifeless body from the carrier and placed him on his favourite blanket, his favourite mouse now tail less and loved placed between his paws along with his name tag so that he wouldnt forget his name. Dad placed him into the ground, tears flowing down all our faces as we said our final goodbye.

He is at rest now, alongside my other boy Sox, no more pain, no more fight.

His brother Slipper is lost, endlessly trawling around the house searching for his brother, not knowing that he will never appear around the door, or share a play fight or cuddle again.

But to Finlay, if he could hear me I would say thank you, thank you for all the companionship you gave to me when others showed none, thank you for the fun times, playing in the warm sunshine and pouncing on my toes under the duvet, thank you for listening to my every complaint or rant or moan and for choosing to lay next to me on the sofa every night without fail and provide comfort in times of solitude. Thank you for the love you showed to me without condition, for simply being there and being a most beautiful soul.

I miss you and always will, goodnight my little boy, Finny, Finlaypusscat, sorry I couldnt make you better.

Love mum xx


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